Best Dad Jokes of 2018
I would like to tell you a little bit about my father. Earlier on in his life he worked at a tomato factory as a can crusher, but quit because it was "soda pressing for him." Being unemployed for a while he spent his days working on his endless broke down vehicles, which usually left him exhausted and eventually led him into his addiction of brake fluid. For years we tried to talk to him about his brake fluid addiction, begging him to quit, but he just told us "that he could stop whenever he wanted."
However that addiction eventually led my Dad into buying shoes off of a drug dealer, only to find out that they were completely laced. This of course caused him to trip all day. I couldn't see him like that so I bought him a pair off shoes with Velcro straps, thinking they would be better for him, but he just told me that they were "a total rip off." Once he kicked the shoe habit he got back into working and making money for the family. He even manged to get the scarecrow award from his boss, because he was outstanding in his field.
After work he would just watch TV all day. After he was done watching his endless nature shows focused on beaver's, he would tell us how it was "the best dam show he had ever seen." Then my Dad would proceed to complain about all the tropical fruit my mother would buy from the store. In my fathers words "it was enough to make a mango crazy." I never got how he could complain about all that though, seeing that my mom was always the one charge of the cooking around the house. This was because whenever I told my dad that I was hungry, he would just respond by saying that he was Jamie.
My father always had they ugliest beard when I was a kid, but over the years it really did grow on me. It was at this time I had come to find that my dad was a wise man, always telling me to invest into graveyard real estate because people were just dieing to go there. Wise because he was able to explain why bikes cant stand up alone. For he was able to see that bikes were just two tired all the time. He was wise in not trusting atoms, because he knew that they made up everything. He was so wise that he even knew a nose could never be 12 inches long, because that would make it a foot. Thinking back there was really only one thing my father didn't know... He didn't know the specific medical name for persons who are born with no body and no nose. But really, nobody nose the name of that disability so I never held it against him.
At then end of the day my Dad was a hero, and not just to me, but to the endless amount of coffees he stopped from getting mugged. Therefor I dedicate this blog to my Father. This is the best dad joke's blog by Dividere Stainless, "helping fathers relax from your crap everywhere, with not one but two spirits."
PS. Make sure you don't call your dad late this Father's Day, call him Dad.
50 Cringe Worthy Dad Jokes
- Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
- Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"
- 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
- Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
- What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
- What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.
- I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
- To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.
- The rotation of earth really makes my day.
- I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts
- What's brown and sticky? A stick.
- I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!
- Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.
- Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.
- A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.
- I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
- Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
- I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
- People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.
- Slept like a log last night … woke up in the fireplace.
- What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
- A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.
- I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down.
- I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
- What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato? A: catch up!
- Q: What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe? A: 400 Million Dollars.
- Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn? A: Where’s popcorn?
- What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
- What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
- Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.
- Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
- Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bay-gulls!
- “Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.”
- Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.
- What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles
- Commissar! Commissar! The troops are revolting! Commissar: Well, you’re pretty repulsive yourself.
- What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
- I knew I shouldn’t have ate that seafood. Because now I’m feeling a little… Eel
- What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.
- Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
- Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with.
- Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.
- Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
- What kind of magic do cows believe in? MOODOO.
- Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
- “Hold on, I have something in my shoe” “I’m pretty sure it’s a foot”
- When phone ringing Dad says ‘If it’s for me don’t answer it.
- “I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, ‘You.’”
- Where’s the bin? Dad: I haven’t been anywhere!
- RIP boiled water. You will be mist.
Cheers to all the dad's out there. I hope you all survived the dad joke list posted above, and if you did, be sure to leave a comment on which one was your favorite or add a new one to the mix. Now I would like to leave you all with one quote to remember: